Members Only · Prove Yourself
The Small Willy Club
Established Summer 2003 · Tenterden
In what town did Greg lose his front wheel?
Curious about membership? Sign up
Members Only · Prove Yourself
Established Summer 2003 · Tenterden
In what town did Greg lose his front wheel?
Curious about membership? Sign up
Membership Enquiries
Thank you for your interest in The Small Willy Club.
Recruitment for new members is, regrettably, closed. Should it ever reopen, you would not know about it — you would simply, one day, be approached. There is no list. There is no form. There is no waiting.
Please also be aware that, in matters of recruitment, the Club does not recognise employment law, nor equality law, nor indeed any law whatsoever. Our selection process is arbitrary, opaque, and entirely beyond appeal.
And so, with the warmest possible regard, we would kindly ask you to fuck off.
Parva sed PotensSmall but Mighty
Established MMIII · Tenterden, England
Article I
The Small Willy Club is, at its heart, a group of friends — and one very lucky accident of fate. By some funny turn of luck, this particular collection of people found one another, and have stuck together through more years than any of them care to count.
No one entirely agrees when it all began. The leading theory places the beginnings in a summer in Tenterden, back in 2003, though the truth is happily lost to time. What mattered was never the date, but that it happened at all.
What binds us is the sort of bond not often found — the kind where, whatever happens, someone will always be there. It is a rare and precious thing, to be protected, remembered, and embraced. The daft name is simply the flag we choose to fly it under.
Article IV
Let it be known, and forever recorded: the Annual General Meeting of The Small Willy Club is enshrined within the bylaws of the Club. No power, no authority, no force earthly or otherwise may override it, postpone it, or diminish it. It shall be convened each and every year without fail — and it must be protected, at all costs.
The organisation of the AGM passes each year to a single custodian, who bears the honour and the burden alone. For 2026, the duty fell to Caleb, who set the membership one deceptively simple challenge: "What can you do with £10?"
In answer, Ben set about discovering precisely how much could be achieved with a single ten-pound note. The results are recorded among the Club's notable mentions, below.
As the bylaws demand, the custodianship of the AGM is appointed years in advance:
| 2026 | Caleb — current custodian |
| 2027 | Laura or Jonny — to be decided |
| 2028 | Laura or Jonny — to be decided |
| 2029 | Ben |
| 2030 | Barney |
| 2031 | Greg |
The Mascot
Official Crustacean of The Small Willy Club
Adopted in June 2026, SWC the Lobster came into the Club's care as part of that year's AGM challenge, set by Caleb: to do something — anything — with £10. The Club's answer was to adopt a lobster, name it in its own honour, and enshrine it forever. The certificate of adoption is displayed above with all appropriate ceremony.
SWC the Lobster remains, at present, in captivity — awaiting release into the open sea off the coast of Cornwall. Upon its release, the date shall be recorded here for posterity, and the membership shall observe a respectful moment of reflection.
Adopted: June 2026 · Date of release: to be confirmed.
The Calendar
Friday 12th – Monday 15th June · Destination: Nottingham
Saturday 4th July 2026 · Destination: Hale Farm
Article II
Founder & President
Founding Member — 2003
"Somebody had to start it. I simply happened to be the most qualified."
The visionary behind the Club, Greg conceived of the institution during a moment of profound personal clarity. He chairs every meeting, owns the ceremonial gavel, and has never once been seen to flinch. A natural leader, modest to a fault, and the holder of the only key to the drinks cabinet.
Chairwoman & Keeper of Standards
Founding Member — 2003
"I don't qualify on a technicality. I'm here because somebody has to run it properly."
The Club's only female member and, by universal agreement, the only reason any of it functions. Laura keeps the minutes, vetoes the worst ideas, and brings a much-needed air of competence to proceedings. The men are slightly afraid of her. This is correct.
Treasurer
Founding Member — 2003
"The books are balanced. Don't ask about the biscuit budget."
Guardian of the Club's finances, which currently total the change found down the back of Greg's sofa. Barney takes the role with deadly seriousness, maintains a spreadsheet no one is permitted to view, and once expensed a commemorative tankard. Worth every penny.
Head of Recruitment
Founding Member — 2003
"We're not for everyone. That's rather the point."
Charged with maintaining the Club's exacting entry standards, Caleb has personally rejected dozens of hopefuls, several of whom never applied. Discreet, selective, and a firm believer that an institution is defined by who it keeps out. Conducts all interviews in a low, serious voice.
Social Secretary
Founding Member — 2003
"Morale is high. Attendance is mandatory."
Responsible for the Club's calendar of events, which so far consists of one very good evening everyone still talks about. Jonny organises the outings, books the venues, and remembers everybody's birthday. The emotional heart of the Club, and the only member who actually replies to the group chat.
Founding Member
Founding Member — 2003
"I was there at the beginning. I'll be there at the end. Which, it transpires, is never."
A founding pillar of the Club, and the man whose 40th the membership now gathers to celebrate. A fuller profile is to be ratified in due course, once a suitably flattering account can be agreed upon by committee.
Before we process your departure, the committee requires a name for the record. Who, exactly, wishes to leave?
Are you sure you wish to resign your membership of The Small Willy Club?
This is a serious decision and the committee takes it personally. Take a breath. Reconsider.
To proceed, please confirm the following. Tick the box that applies to you.
Greg has prepared a brief statement. It reads, in full: "...After everything, ?"
Type the words below exactly to renounce your membership:
You're stuck with us. Membership is for life. There is no leaving The Small Willy Club — there was never any leaving. We did try to warn you, .